Anyway here I sit about a week after the anniversary of may late love’s death. With the new year has come the beginning of my moving on to the next thing I have to do, namely going back to school and doing something else with my life. I've started by taking the GRE a couple weeks ago and now I'm going to start looking into schools. As for what I may be doing: I seem to be drawn to programs involving cartography/geographic research. But this is all very preliminary and nothing is certain yet, except for my desire to go.
To be completely honest this isn't new to me, and my close friends have been listening to this sort of stuff spout from me for the last 4 years, at least. But I’m feeling more determined than ever before and I’m starting the wheels rolling on getting this done. So onward and forward.
Additionally now that one-year has passed its time to start to move on and reclaim my life. I spent the last year in remembrance about Kim and myself and our life together and generally accepted the fact that that I was on my own without looking too deeply into it. Now I sit here and know deeply that I am on my own in that one important sense but as hard as it may be I must press on. Only I can help myself and now that I’m done spending my extra time looking back I must now look forward. I’m only 30 and I have decades ahead of me do live in, so my life isn’t over. In fact this is a time of a new beginning, let’s hope I don’t screw it up.
As for theatre, well we have had a god run but it’s getting to be time to move on. The newbs have unbridled arrogance with nothing to back it up. The folks who lost house gigs and now are in our swimming pool with no freelance skills and the inability to work with others. Add to that the general over saturation of lighting techs graduating from school these days. Don’t these people know that there isn’t that many jobs out there and it DOESN’T matter how many Tony’s that you lighting teachers won and how many school shows you did. If you haven’t done your professional time you definitely don’t know enough to tell us vets what to do. So I spend a bit of time trying desperately trying to bite back the things I would say to these people. Though I fail a bit and I’m suppressing too much so I’m getting bitey at my friends. But as Jacob put it a week ago: “We’re bigger, older, and more arrogant than you’ll ever be.”
And that’s true, at least for me and especially the last part. I can be a real arrogant fuck, and stubborn as hell to boot. Because I know what I know and I know I’m right often enough that sitting there and telling me I’m wrong because in school you learned it this way and only that that way that my way I’ve used to years is wrong. This also makes me rather insufferable I feel and for that I’m sorry to all of you for being like that. Sigh, the perils of being smart enough to get yourself into trouble, sheesh.
In the end this is all like a new set of growing pains and if I remember the last one it’s going to be tough for a while. Ah well nothing to do but continue onward and stand ready to do new things or things that will be hard to do again (like dating).
To complete the metaphor I started over the summer: we’ve landed the plane, the dead and wounded have been carried off, and now I walk around the fuselage and take stock of the damaged inflicted. Because no matter how bad I’m messed up I’m gonna get back up and brave that Flak again. Because that’s life, or at least mine.