inkyschwartz (inkyschwartz) wrote,

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Personal improvement

So I decided to not go out tonight and save some money so I’m at home being introspective instead. I guess the short of it is things are much better these days. A couple weeks ago I took advantage of a period of waiting to ask myself the question: have I gotten closer to striking the balance of honoring and respecting the memory of my love Kim and not letting it hold me back so I can move on. So I discussed this point with myself and came to the conclusion that I’m not there yet but I’m close enough to start the process of moving on.

Basically I gave myself the permission to start moving on and start being more active in my life and not just letting things happen. Not that my life was entirely me just letting things happen to me while I stood by inertly. I think I was more reacting to events and then making decisions after the fact, instead of being more active and engaged (I refuse to use the word proactive since it feels very corporate speak). And with this activity I’m making the choice to start prepping to take the GRE hopefully in the next month or so after I figure where I stand skills wise.

However this still means there will be days when I find myself quite sad and lonely. On the other hand these days are fewer and farther between than say six months ago when they felt quite frequent and often. For example sleeping by myself can still be hard at times but it’s better these days and one day I’ll be used to it, but I don’t think I’ll ever enjoy it on that level. But I keep moving forward and one of these days life may feel completely “normal” again. And if not, I won’t let that stop me from living because it’s the right thing to do and Kim would want it that way. Plus many of my friends would kick my arse and drag me forward if necessary.

These are the people I would like to thank for letting me bend their ears and cry on their shoulders and I tried to find my path out of that dark period of my life. Though they would also made sure I understood that following that path would be hard. Thank you all, it ain’t over yet.

To go back to a metaphor I created over the summer in my blog: The plane has made it out of Germany and is somewhere over occupied Belgium hoping the engines don’t conk out and no unfriendlies run across us. There were some bad moments earlier when I wandered a bit to close to some Flak, but we survived and now are cautiously hopeful. I hope this metaphor comes to close sometime next year.

Thank you for reading.

David “Inky” Schwartz

P.S. Non livejournal posters should make sure their name is on their comment since the system doesn't seem to identify you sometimes and i just get anonymous comments.

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