Well after everything that happened in July, I was in pretty sorry shape when I headed out East. The week and some of vacation was very necessary and it stemmed what was feeling like an inevitable slip into a less good place. In fact I walked away with what feels like an attitude adjustment compared to how I was feeling before. So all in all it I’m doing OK these days. Of course I’m not “better” by any stretch of the imagination but as always I’m doing as well as could be considered considering the situation. It’s just that better is a bit better than it was a couple months ago.
At this point I’m starting to look ahead a bit, which for me right now consists of pondering whether or not I want to stay in the biz and laying the groundwork for a possible out. In that regard I will be booking an appointment to take the GRE, even if I never use it it’s not a bad idea. Now the problem is should I stay or should I go as the song goes. I know this is my decision to make but let me lay this out in brief.
The life I have right now is mainly good because of the people around me who are a part of that world. You all mean a ton to me after what you folks went though with me and helped me get through in the dark days back in February. It still moves and worries me a bit that all of you who were there when Kim died, frankly were there. You didn’t have to be but you were there anyway, and for that I thank you. However I feel I owe you all a debt that I hope to never repay in kind, at least not in the next 30 years.
But because of this I feel that I shouldn’t leave since if I’m near I can help the best. However if I stay in this biz I need to stop doing grunt work, I either need to join the union as a console jockey, become a real service tech, or get a theatre to sit on. Frankly the second option sounds the best but I need quite a bit more electronics training for that to become real. The third option is good too but such positions are few and far between.
So then comes the other side, which is striking off in a new direction. The options are numerous, but almost all of them require me to go back to school. Some of them even need me to start over and reenter undergrad for a BS, sheesh. The big options are foreign policy, electrical engineering, rocketry, and getting a history degree and working in a museum or research center. Different no? Basically I’m looking at a pile of things that are completely different than what I do now, which is not a bad thing. However I’m too afraid of losing things and changing what I have right now, so I’m holding myself back a bit. I still think I’ll change but it will take time, not that there’s a rush at this second.
All in all I’m doing this partly as a way to move on and partly to use this huge brain full of odd knowledge that sits on my shoulders that I feel I should use more of. And the life I lead right now leaves me feeling kinda tired when I’m not working so I don’t feel like I’m able to do much with it. Additionally I really hate the feeling that I’m not earning cash when I’m not working. And frankly a normal schedule sounds great right now.
In the end I’m feeling a bit baseless now that Kim is gone, but time has passed so it’s not a drifty as it was months ago. I describe myself, to myself, as a bomber that just done the run over Germany back in ’43. Shot full of holes one engine down, another on fire, half the crew out and struggling for home all on it lonesome: a sitting duck for any German fighter that runs across it. However at this point it‘s feeling more like the fire has gone out, the excess stuff has been jettisoned so were maintaining altitude, the skies are clear so far, and the coast isn’t that far away but the cliffs of Dover are still a ways off and even if you make it back there’s crew that will have died and the ship might have to be written off. So that’s where I’m at. Once we land things will become clearer, I just have to make it there.
Thanks for reading.