Firstly there is the course of my education and occupational future that I’m in the middle of charting. Frankly the biggest problem is that I’m regularly doubting my own ability and choice in changing from a technical profession to a much more intellectual one. And this all stems from simple fear. Fear of leaving my comfort zone in my life. Fear of having to face the unknown and an uncertain future. Because simply put, I’m a bit of a homebody and I like my routine, so much so that I’m having trouble looking ahead. This results in self-doubt of whether I’m smart enough to go do something so completely different that my last 10 years of work provides only the barest framework of reference. All it has done, which isn’t nothing by any means, is make me very independent and hard working and determined. The last is in conflict with the self-doubt at this moment. So I know I’m not an idiot but to contemplate doing something like this makes me feel so overwhelmed that I want to hole up and hide. And on top of all this is the fact that there is a contingent of my friends who don’t want me to leave the field either out of a sense of concern about my well being in another field, or out of a sense of self-interest that I won’t be there to help them anymore. And they also feed into this comfort zone, which leaves me even more conflicted.
Now none of that is helping me any so I need to force myself into action and make things happen. Which is a difficult slope to navigate since if I’m at home I get distracted way too easily. So I need to kick my arse out of the house and go to the Grind and do all this work there where I feel more motivated to work. I’m such a hard time for myself. But in the end I’m smart enough to do this, I hope, and I’ll at least give it my all.
The other thing that has been cropping up over the last few days is the whole dating thing and where do I sit in regards to it. The sitting position keeps slowly creeping closer and closer to me feeling willing to go ahead and dive back in. Of course since after the one year I’m starting to hear murmurings to outright declarations that I should just dive in with occasional suggestions as to who I should ask out at times. My problem at this moment is that I still want to be in a relationship and I feel that whoever I start dating at this moment I would just want to leap into that with. Not a good idea. So I have to give myself a bit more time and let myself be willing to take whoever comes along with no sense of preconception of what should happen. Other than the usual ones that one has in those circumstances. And lets take a moment to think about me dating, kinda silly eh?
So that’s what on my mind and that I need to get out so I can set these issues aside and move on with some sort of confidence.